I've spent today thinking that I might not be able to muster whatever it is that needs mustering to make it through another year. Come November 10th (or so), we will have been at site for one year, a total of 15 months in-country. I know my blog is typically optimistic, but looking at another year sometimes feels like looking down the barrel of a gun (to be dramatic about it). There are days that are too lonely to describe, days that seem like friends are too hard to come by, days when the weather is too hot and humid, days when it won't stop raining. There are days I don't want to speak the language, eat the food, or even be outside. There are days, like today, I sit in my room waiting for the sun to go down just so it can come up again, sleep and malaria medicine-induced dreams breaking up the monotony. I never realized before that both boredom and homesickness can inflict a physical kind of sting.
But then again, there are days when my coteacher, Sir Erwin, the students, the principle, my host family and others really make me smile, and when they make me smile, it feels like my mind is being hugged. I'm certain I will stick it out, but on days like today, when I'm feeling less than invincible, it's at least a little liberating to entertain the thought.
Again I have been thinking about grad school. Frankly I am so terrified of the GRE that I won't even want to attempt it, but then again, I have lived in a foreign country with cockroaches the size of matchbox cars; what is a standardized test going to do to me? I'm still looking at the University of Denver at the International Communication program, emphasis in international journalism in new media. Seems neat.
I think I should stay in the States a while at least. Since 2007 I have spent appx. 12 months in the States and I'm getting a little road weary. It could be one possibility of what's causing my slump. But in the end, Peace Corps is not about the adventure or excitement. It's a job, plain and simple. I have duties and responsibilities here; it's just like any other 9-5, except in the developing world.
I miss Halloween in the States. I miss Halloween with Brian, Kari, Aaron, Jay and Malena, I miss the Cider House. I miss watching Nightmare Before Christmas and going to the pumpkin patch (no matter how old I got) with the moms. The holiday season is a tough one and I don't think it's going to be any easier this year.