Today marks the one year anniversary of landing in Manila to start this Peace Corps ordeal. Looking back in retrospect for some kind of general impression is almost impossible. Such a blur of emotions, places, people, foods...
There have been times when I have wanted to quit, there have been times when I never wanted to leave. I am proud of the work I have done here. No matter the living conditions, no matter the social interactions and friendships, I am here to do work after all, they say to serve both my country and the Philippines. I am quite satisfied with that work and already feel like a success. Although development work in general, and Peace Corps specifically, ask us to quantify our success in reports, charts, documentation and meeting goals, it is the qualitative aspects of my work that really keep me focused and motivated. Its the support the students are now showing each other when one of them struggles through an English-only presentation, it's the books in the library, it's the fully functional computer lab.
Outside of my work, I have lived in Filipino households for 365 days now. That's 365 days of conversations, both in English and Visaya, 365 days of growing closer and closer to my family here, 365 days of rice, and seemingly 365 days of rain, 365 days of reflection, both quiet and contemplative and loud and emotive.
Of course I miss my friends and family back home, but I am a changed person. The Philippines has altered me in ways I can only imagine; the litmus test will be when my dad comes to visit in December. I have made some life-long friendships with other volunteers, seen some of them having left service for a myriad of reasons, some of them rooted at their sites, reluctant to leave for any reason.
I have made some friendships with Filipinos that have taught me a lot about basic human decency, the essence of commonality and what unites us all on the human level: the need to be understood and accepted.
I have had typhoid, ringworm, panuhot or my rib cage seized by my chest muscles, sinus infections and the occasional hangover.
I have never felt more complete as a person.
To all my PCV's in 267, happy anniversary. To all those who ET'd, you're here in spirit and I celebrate knowing you for 365 days of friendship in some extreme situations. To my friends and family back home, I could never do this without your constant support and proverbial shoulders on which to cry.
Dear Mr. Sean Stanhill, [posted July 19th]
I am deeply grieved that I have caused you such turmoil, Mr. Stanhill. It is not my intention to criticize your service to the Filipino community. In fact, I do not even mention your service to Cabalian in any of my comments. I will, however, admit that my comments were harsh, impolite and unkind, mainly because I have set it in a very disparaging tone. Judging by the sarcastic tone of your open letter, I understand your disgust over my remarks. For these and all insults thereof that I have pinned on your being, I am sorry.
I reiterate that none of my comments condemn your service. All were directed at the perspective you have taken to interpret your experiences. True, you are entitled to your Western perspective, and it is likewise true that there are no vocal criticisms regarding this perspective in Cabalian. This is partly because foreigners are looked up at as figures of authority in Cabalian. This is a status quo that most of us Cabalianons fail to resist. My reaction to your blogs mainly expresses my vehement opposition to this status quo.
Language in the Philippines is a volatile issue. Visayans have an aversion to the largely-Tagalog-centric national language. As you, Mr. Stanhill, must have noticed, Cabalianons are delighted in your presence and your service. In the Visayas, there is a longstanding preference for English over Filipino. When Visayan and Tagalog are mixed, a distortion of the integrity of both languages occurs. It will be seen as an encroachment on one another’s cultural dominion. Mr. Stanhill, Cabalianon (the language we speak in Cabalian) remains to be one of the least unadulterated Visayan languages. Many have entered the mainstream linguistic distortions inspired by the cognoscenti subculture. I do not want this to happen to the language that I have kept even amidst persecutions of being retrograde.
Pardon me for the technical description above. I understand that it is not your intention to introduce distortions to Visayan. After all, you are still in the process of learning the language. What I only ask of you is that, during the course of experiencing the language, please refrain from attaching certain elements which are not endemic to the language. You can always ask the teachers and students around you for advice. My warning about you becoming a laughingstock does not intend to sever you from the community. In Cabalian, joking about the linguistic blunders of others is fairly normal (you can ask some teachers for extant anecdotes about American priests and the funny words they deliver even on the pulpit), even considered a pastime, but I am not sure whether this will be acceptable to you. What would you have thought if you caught them snickering about the added ‘po’? Again, I am sorry for my rude tone in pointing this out to you.
I first commented on your San-Pedro-San-Pablo post because it literally caught my attention. These statements greatly bothered me: “All of the students left to go home for lunch and then, one would assume, to church. But no, St. Peter’s Day is a day in which everyone goes to the beach. That’s right, St. Peter’s Day is a day in which the whole town shuts down in the afternoon to swim.” It sounded as if, by default, Cabalianons prefer excursions over piety on a Catholic feast day. To me this was unfair. I thought of your adopted mother, whom I know as a devout woman. But if she did join the whole town in its preference for the afternoon swim without even considering hearing Mass first, then I will be happy to stand corrected.
Pointing out that your perspective is Western does not at all lead to the conclusion that I detest your presence in the Philippines. Even my advice to you only asks you to shape your judgment accordingly based on all dimensions of your experiences. And again, if I delivered this so insensitively, I am sorry.
And on my last comment, I have roughly dichotomized the distinct construction of Western and Eastern sexuality. In that post, I was merely asking you, albeit in the haughtiest tone I can muster on print, to “expand your database of information” regarding this matter. I can guess that you have discussed this matter with your colleagues during the tilt, maybe even with the contestants and some of the actual bayots themselves who are close to you. But with that second-hand information, none of us is assured of correctness. You see, bayots themselves are conditioned by the society that seemingly looks down upon them. Bayots are either condemned because of their behavior or celebrated because of their creativity. They would think that by joining pageants and tilts they are proclaiming their liberty from the constrictive, rather conventual, society. As an observer in these kinds of social vignettes, I have seen that quite the opposite occurs: They are capitulating to the demands of a society that needs an outlet of their frustrations (under the name of “entertainment”) amidst political turmoil.
My point is that we cannot add more damage to injury, even if the object of injury knows not or even cares less about this.
If you felt you have been beaten to a pulp by these unkind words, I am sorry. I must admit that some of these words were intentional but were invoked only to nail the point. The sarcasm in your words is very biting, but I will try to ignore it. Your friends and family, who thinks very highly of you, have rushed to your aid, to your defense, and this stoked my compunction. I am sorry for causing them to spew undesirable remarks, which I think is contrary to their being. I will try to overlook these condemnations in order to free emotional space.
I am not under the impression that I can undo the damage I have done on your being. I post this response in order to dilute whatever evil I have committed in reacting to your blogs. I will not ask for your forgiveness for these deeds because it only hurts when forgiveness is denied. I will try to move on from this point and close this dreadful chapter.
Sincerely,
“Spineless” Anonymous
P.S. I prefer to stay anonymous. If you still think that my arguments only amount to the blabbering of a 13-year-old, it is not my issue anymore. I have wrought enough havoc under the cloak of anonymity to bug me for the rest of the month. I understand that this is unfair to your person, but I have to choose something in which catharsis can unfold freely. After all, who would wish to acquaint an outspoken, miscalculating faultfinder?
To others who follow this blog: Cudgel me if you like for sounding like GMA in my ubiquitous “I am sorry” tosh. I will perfectly understand your reaction to these circumstances. I know what some of you may think about this: “Thank God, the stuck-up piece of shit has choked in his ignorance and pride!” Do some jumping-jacks and flag me if it pleases your souls. Just think for a second and pose this question: “Is this person’s remorse sincere?” I hope by this you find the victorious relief you are seeking.